tactless but true

What do you do when you do something awful to someone else due to your own weakness? All you can do is realize it, accept it, make amends for it, and do your best to make sure it never happens again. That’s it. It happened. There’s nothing you can do to erase it from the history of things that you’ve done.

Maybe I’m the only one who does this but I have a list in my mind of like the top 10 worst things I’ve ever done, probably top 20. I don’t want to add anything else to the list, but I’m only 19 and I’m sure I’m gonna fuck up again one day, maybe even tomorrow.

The fact that life goes on is the most terrifying fact to me right now. Tomorrow a whole new set of doors will open, each one having the potential for me to fall flat on my face as I walk through it.

I know it is silly to think of life that way. I know what I should do is get rid of that list of all the awful stuff I’ve done and give myself a clean slate, be at peace with myself, but I just can’t seem to get comfortable in my own skin.

I can’t re-do the past 3-4 years of my life. They happened. I did what I did. They are ingrained in history as the things I did between 2008 and 2011.

I can’t get rid of that list of things I’ve done because I guess I feel that those things define me, they must, right? I did them, it was me, not some other random person. And if things I can’t change define me then what hope is there for me? What’s the point? I need to focus on the future but all I have to build upon is my past. I’m the only person I’ve known myself to be. Yes, I have hope for a better person in the future and I know I’m capable of improvement but I feel like I’m pulling it out of my ass.

I’m not perfect. I haven’t always had good intentions but I’m a real person. I may not have fit into your little mainstream suburban world and I may not be taken seriously in your cutthroat subculture, but I’m here trying to live and I’m doing my best. I have good intentions a lot of the time. I guess I just feel like people expect me to be perfect and every mistake I make is part of some list you guys are all keeping. In a way that’s true. What do we have to go on when getting to know others but their actions? But maybe you guy don’t care as much as I feel like you do?

I don’t want to feel like I have to prove to anyone that I am a good person but basically the jury is still out on my part and I’m just hoping that no one decides I’m guilty before I have the chance to decide for myself.

I’m almost fucking 20 years old, I feel like I should have more shit figured out by now.

When I think about becoming a lawyer it’s crazy to think about having someone’s life in your hands, your actions affecting which direction their life goes in. But really, we all have that power every single day. My actions affect others. Others’ actions affect me and the affecting never ends. Just living is a responsibility not only to yourself but to everyone you know. That power and responsibility is terrifying. How could someone like me have been trusted with life? Who decided it was a good idea to put someone like me on a planet with billions of other people in close proximity? I think there’s been a mistake or something because I’m way too tactless to be this close to you guys.

It’s ok if you don’t find me for a while.

As you know my 20th birthday is in 2 months. It is my firm belief that it is about time to grace me with some tact.

Thanks.

I’m so tired of feeling negative. I want to accept the past and like the present. I’ll work hard for my happiness, if I only knew what to work at.